Source: Tech Crunch
- The Setup: David Sacks, a venture capitalist appointed as the Trump administration’s "AI and Crypto Czar," is actively shaping federal policy while retaining over 700 tech investments, including 449 linked to AI.
- The Loophole: Sacks is designated a "Special Government Employee," a status that allows him to bypass standard divestment rules; he has received ethics waivers to keep stakes in companies that directly benefit from his regulatory pushes, such as the removal of export bans on Nvidia chips.
- The Side Hustle: Sacks has used his White House access to elevate his "All-In" podcast—even attempting to have the podcast exclusively host an official presidential AI summit—and to promote his business associates, effectively blurring the line between public service and private portfolio management.
- The Fallout: While the White House claims he has recused himself where necessary, critics and even some internal staff argue he is running a "technocratic oligarchy" from the West Wing, steering government contracts and foreign deals to firms he and his friends own.
Trapper to Yappers Handoff: 👀 "Your mission, should you choose to accept it (and you will, because the wheel is already spinning): take everything we just heard about the AI & Crypto Czar who’s basically speed-running a conflict of interest world record, and give me your best 30-second hot take."
Morty Gold
//consummate curmudgeon// //cardigan rage// //petty grievances// //get off my lawn// //ex-new yorker//
▶️ Listen to Morty's Micro Bio"A 'SPECIAL' GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE?! Are you KIDDING me with this language?! That sounds like the title you give a toddler who helps you push the vacuum cleaner! We used to have words for people who used public office to line their pockets—we called them CROOKS! We called them TEAPOT DOME! But now? Now it's just 'Synergy'!
He’s writing the laws for the companies he OWNS! That’s not a conflict of interest; that’s just stealing with a fountain pen! It’s like letting the fox guard the henhouse, but the fox also OWNS the henhouse, and he’s selling the eggs to China, and he has a PODCAST about how delicious the chickens are! UNBELIEVABLE! 708 investments?! I can’t even keep track of my grandson’s birthday, and this guy is juggling the entire NASDAQ from the Situation Room! We have officially replaced the Constitution with a Term Sheet! I’m going to bed!"
Sheila Sharpe
//smiling assassin// //gender hypocrisy// //glass ceiling//
▶️ Listen to Sheila's Micro Bio"Oh, FANTASTIC! Truly, just inspiring stuff. I love how we've decided that the executive branch is just a WeWork with nuclear codes. Let’s unpack this 'Moonlighting' situation, shall we? If a female cabinet member used her office to sell her line of organic jams, she would be impeached before breakfast. She would be on the cover of Time as the face of corruption.
But when David Sacks turns the White House into a merch table for his 'All-In' podcast tequila—yes, TEQUILA—it’s just 'smart business.' It’s 'disruption.' Sweetie, please. This isn’t innovation; it’s a frat house takeover. He’s not serving the country; he’s doing a hostile takeover of the taxpayer. And the best part? We’re paying for the electricity while he records his little show. Good luck getting a refund on that subscription, America."
Frankie Truce
//smug contrarian// //performative outrage// //whisky walrus// //cynic//
▶️ Listen to Frankie's Micro Bio"Can we be honest? You’re not mad that he’s doing it. You’re mad because he’s so brazen about it. This is the game. It’s always been the game. Cheney had Halliburton; Sacks has Nvidia. The only difference is the Wi-Fi speed. Stop clutching your pearls. The man is a Venture Capitalist.
His job is to turn money into more money. Did you think he stepped into the White House and suddenly decided to become Mother Teresa? He’s optimizing his portfolio. That’s what they do. The problem isn’t David Sacks; the problem is that you keep voting for people who treat the federal budget like a Series A funding round. The system is working exactly as designed. Deal with it."
Nigel Sterling
//prince of paperwork// //pivot table perv// //beautiful idiots// //fine print// //spreadsheet stooge// //right then//
▶️ Listen to Nigel's Micro Bio"Right, so—let’s look at the paperwork, shall we? Because this is absolutely BRILLIANT in its horror. He is a 'Special Government Employee.' Vis-à-vis, he is a volunteer. But! He has a waiver. A waiver that says, 'Yes, you own 449 AI companies, and yes, you are writing the AI rules, but we trust you.'
It is a Mobius strip of corruption! He writes a policy to uncork chip sales to the UAE. Nvidia stock goes up. His portfolio goes up. He smiles. It’s a perpetual motion machine of graft! He’s effectively short-selling national security! If you put this on a graph, the X-axis is 'Public Trust' and the Y-axis is 'Tequila Sales,' and the line is just going STRAIGHT INTO HELL. Technically speaking, it’s a masterpiece."
Dina Brooks
//church shade// //side-eye// //plain talk// //exasperated// //mmm-hmm//
▶️ Listen to Dina's Micro Bio"Mmm-hmm. So we selling tickets now? We selling tickets to the White House like it’s a Beyoncé concert? 'All-In' podcast summit? Lord have mercy. I see you, David. I see exactly what you’re doing. You got your feet up on the Resolute Desk, checking your Robinhood app. The AUDACITY.
You know, back in my day, we called this 'conflict of interest.' Now y'all call it 'networking.' It is TRIFLING. You are supposed to be working for the people, not working on your subscriber count! And selling tequila? From the executive branch? Child, that is tacky. That is dollar-store behavior in a bespoke suit. I am too old for this nonsense."
Thurston Gains
//calm evil// //deductible denier// //greed is good// //land shark//
▶️ Listen to Thurston's Micro Bio"I must confess, I find the criticism rather pedestrian. 'Conflict of interest'? Old sport, that’s just a synonym for 'synergy.' If Mr. Sacks has 708 investments, he is the market. Why wouldn't we want the referee to also own the teams? It ensures he cares about the outcome!
And this business about Nvidia chips to China? That’s just efficient supply chain management. If anything, I’m disappointed he 'lost money' on the event. A true capitalist would have charged for the napkins. Denying profit is the only real ethical violation I see here."
Wade Truett
//working man's math// //redneck philosopher// //blue-collar truth//
▶️ Listen to Wade's Micro Bio"Let me tell you something. I’ve been in construction a long time. And if I was the guy pouring the concrete, AND the guy selling the concrete, AND the building inspector signing off on the concrete... that building is gonna fall down.
That ain't 'efficiency,' folks. That’s a scam. This fella Sacks is signing his own permission slips. He’s sending American chips to China so his stock goes up, and he’s telling you it’s for 'national security.' That’s like me telling you I need to drink this twelve-pack for 'hydration.' It don’t make no sense. In the real world, you get fired for that. In Washington? You get a podcast sponsor. Must be nice."
Bex Nullman
//web developer// //20-something// //doom coder// //lowercase//
▶️ Listen to Bex's Micro Bio"okay so i'm reading this and i'm literally disassociating. we have a 'crypto czar' now? that sounds like a batman villain written by chatgpt. and he's hosting his podcast from the white house? it's giving 'influencer apology video' but with nuclear codes.
i can't. i simply cannot. we are governed by a linkedin feed. he's treating the federal government like a side hustle. 'sorry i can't fix the economy bestie, i have to record an ad read for athletic greens.' we are so cooked. i'm going to go stare at the wall for four hours."
Sidney Stein
▶️ Listen to Sidney's Micro Bio"You can’t just RELABEL things! There are RULES! If the form says 'AI,' you can’t write 'Hardware' just because you feel like it! That’s FALSE FILING! It’s like getting in the '10 Items or Less' lane with a cart full of groceries and saying, 'Technically, these are all ingredients for ONE meal.' NO! It is DISRESPECTFUL to the people who actually filed their disclosures correctly! We’re living in a society, not a venture capital pitch deck!"
Dr. Mei Lin Santos
//cortisol spiker// //logic flatlined// //diagnosis drama queen//
▶️ Listen to Mei Lin's Micro Bio"Okay—deep breath. Clinically speaking, this is what we call systemic organ failure. The regulatory body is no longer filtering toxins; it is actively injecting them into the bloodstream. This isn't just a conflict of interest; this is an autoimmune disorder. He is the virus AND the doctor.
He’s prescribing medication that he sells. Do you understand how dangerous that is? If I prescribed a drug because I owned stock in the pharmaceutical company, I would lose my license. Immediately. But he’s doing it with national defense? With AI? We are bypassing the blood-brain barrier of democracy. This is sepsis. I need to order a toxic screen for the entire executive branch. I am going to have a stroke."
Omar Khan
//innocent observer// //confused globalist// //pop culture hook// //bruh//
▶️ Listen to Omar's Micro Bio"Yo, wait. Wait. In my parents' country, if you pay the government $1 million for a 'private reception', they call it bribery. Here? You call it a 'podcast summit.' That is BRANDING, bro! America is wild. You guys took corruption and gave it a logo placement! And then you complain you 'lost money'? Wallahi, if you are losing money on corruption, you are doing it wrong. Let me call my uncle; he can explain how this works."
Veronica Thorne
//ivy league snob// //status flex// //trust fund tyrant// //out-of-touch oligarch//
▶️ Listen to Veronica's Micro Bio"Oh, darling, it’s just so... tacky. Isn’t it? I mean, really. If you have to use the White House to pump your investment portfolio, you aren’t actually wealthy. You’re just 'new money' scrambling for crumbs.
Real power doesn't need a waiver, sweetie. And selling branded tequila? How pedestrian. It smells of desperation and cheap agave. It’s not illegal? Perhaps. But it is embarrassing. He’s treating the presidency like an Airbnb he’s trying to flip. Fix it. It’s ruining the aesthetic of the West Wing."
Coach Ned
//toxic optimist// //gaslighting guru// //character development//
▶️ Listen to Coach Ned's Micro Bio"HUDDLE UP! LISTEN TO ME! You see corruption? I SEE SYNERGY! BOOM! David Sacks is playing OFFENSE AND DEFENSE at the same time! That is Total Football, baby!
Why just coach the team when you can OWN the stadium, SELL the hot dogs, and REFEREE the game?! That is a CHAMPIONSHIP MINDSET! He’s not waiting for the market to move; he’s MOVING the goalposts! Is it fair? WHO CARES! The scoreboard says 'BILLIONS'! If you aren't leveraging federal policy to pump your crypto bags, YOU ARE SITTING ON THE BENCH! Get your head in the game! HUSTLE!"
🏆
Blake Trapper: Somewhere right now David Sacks is frantically updating his ethics waiver to include ‘protection from Morty Gold verbal war crimes.’ Morty, take a bow; you win the internet today, and probably tomorrow too.”
🥇
Morty Gold: Look, I know most people go to work every day just trying to do a good job and earn an honest paycheck without cheating anyone. It matters we still believe a public servant should serve the public, not their own stock portfolio. Now leave me alone, I have to go yell at a cloud about the price of stamps.
