Startup Called "Ventoscity" Hoping Investors Won't Google the Latin Root Before Series A

Source: Wall Street Journal

• University of Maryland researchers created a wearable hydrogen sensor to track flatulence frequency and volume, with 4,000 Americans already applying to wear the device for a five-year study

• The device was invented in 2020 when researcher Brantley Hall farted on a commercial hydrogen sensor at home, producing an enormous signal and launching the Human Flatus Atlas study

• Scientists built mannequin buttocks attached to gas canisters to test each sensor, but can't legally use the 20% hydrogen concentration found in real flatulence due to flammability regulations

Trapper to Yappers Handoff: 👀 Tonight we explore the frontier of American innovation, where a University of Maryland researcher has deployed 800 prototype sensors across the nation to map human flatulence with the same rigor once reserved for the human genome. The project, dubbed the Human Flatus Atlas, already boasts a participant who logged 175 emissions in a single day — a sentence I just said out loud on a professional broadcast. I'm Blake Trapper. I did not consent to this segment.

Morty Gold

//consummate curmudgeon// //cardigan rage// //petty grievances// //get off my lawn// //ex-new yorker//

▶️ Listen to Morty's Micro Bio

OH FOR THE LOVE OF--— this is what we're DOING with research grants?! A University of Maryland principal researcher named Brantley Hall farted on a commercial hydrogen sensor in his own HOME during September 2020 and thought, "You know what? This needs FEDERAL FUNDING." And now four thousand Americans are lining up to strap computers to their nethers for FIVE YEARS like we're conducting the Manhattan Project of methane!

You want to know what's truly VOLCANIC here? We've got mannequin buttocks--MANNEQUIN BUTTOCKS--hooked up to gas canisters as testing apparatus, and THAT passes peer review, but when I wanted funding to digitize Civil War letters, suddenly the department had "budget constraints." This is EXACTLY like the Roman Empire spending fortunes on bath attendants while the Visigoths sharpened their swords at the gates. Different priorities, same inevitable collapse! I'm going to bed!

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Morty just drew a straight line from fart research to the collapse of the Roman Empire, which honestly checks out since both featured excessive gas and leaders nobody should have trusted.

Sheila Sharpe

//smiling assassin// //gender hypocrisy// //glass ceiling//

▶️ Listen to Sheila's Micro Bio

Oh, WONDERFUL news. A University of Maryland researcher literally farted on lab equipment at home and turned it into a five-year study with four thousand participants. That's the origin story. Brantley Hall, principal researcher and startup co-founder, couldn't be bothered to hypothesize in a conference room like a normal academic. No. He took expensive hydrogen sensors home, broke wind on them, saw an enormous signal, and thought "venture capital opportunity."

Now he's shipping eight hundred prototype sensors across the country for the Human Flatus Atlas. The atlas. As if we're mapping uncharted territory. Meanwhile, I've been grinding since dawn trying to convince a boardroom that backlinks matter, and this man secured a federal grant to FedEx flatulence detectors to volunteers. The efficiency. The audacity. I saw the gap in the market. I filled it with methane. I secured the bag.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Sheila's out here doing actuarial tables on Flatus Georg's three-minute intervals like she's optimizing a supply chain instead of just saying "that guy should see a doctor."

Omar Khan

//innocent observer// //confused globalist// //pop culture hook// //bruh//

▶️ Listen to Omar's Micro Bio

YO. Wait, are you serious right now? In Pakistan, if you want to study something embarrassing about the human body, you whisper about it in a back room and maybe publish under a fake name. This man Brantley Hall literally farted on expensive lab equipment IN HIS OWN HOUSE and said "yeah, this is my life's work now." Then he gets FUNDING. Builds a whole startup called Ventoscity!

Wallahi, only in America can you accidentally rip one on a hydrogen sensor and it becomes a career path with venture capital. Four thousand Americans signing up to wear fart computers on their bodies for FIVE YEARS. My cousins back home can't get clean water sensors, but you guys are out here with crotch-mounted flatulence tracking devices. This is the most American thing I've ever heard--turning a bathroom accident into a research institute. Y'all are crazy, no lie.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Omar's right that only in America can you fart your way into venture capital, but he's conveniently ignoring that Pakistan has nuclear weapons--so let's not pretend accidental discoveries are uniquely Western.

Frankie Truce

//smug contrarian// //performative outrage// //whisky walrus// //cynic//

▶️ Listen to Frankie's Micro Bio

Oh, this is delicious. Not the study. The stupidity. Look, we've got scientists sending eight hundred prototype sensors across the U.S. because apparently four thousand people applied--APPLIED--to have their flatulence monitored for five years. And everyone's treating this like it's quirky science communication instead of what it empirically is: a perfect snapshot of American decline. We can't build high-speed rail.

We can't fix our infrastructure. But we've got PhD candidates at major research universities building mannequin asses attached to gas canisters. And here's the part that kills me--they're handing out plaques to the top three percent of gas passers, calling them "Prodigious Hydrogen Producers" like it's a tenure-track distinction. Meanwhile, half the country can't afford healthcare. But sure, let's crowdsource our fart data. This is fine. Everything's fine.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Nothing says "American decline" like a guy who can't stop monologuing about mannequin asses and fart plaques long enough to notice he's become the most prodigious gas producer in the room.

Nigel Sterling

//prince of paperwork// //pivot table perv// //beautiful idiots// //fine print// //spreadsheet stooge// //right then//

▶️ Listen to Nigel's Micro Bio

Right, so– a researcher literally farted on expensive lab equipment at home in 2020 and thought, "Brilliant! Let's miniaturize this and strap it to four thousand Americans!" Good grief, that's the scientific method I remember from my doctorate! Meanwhile, they've built mannequin buttocks attached to gas canisters as testing apparatus because apparently we've reached the point where artificial arses are necessary research infrastructure.

And here's the kicker--they can't even use the actual 20% hydrogen concentration found in real flatulence because it's too flammable for safety regulations. So we're testing fart sensors with watered-down fake farts on dummy bums. The probability that this passes peer review while half the replication crisis studies don't? Astronomical. This is what happens when you give scientists access to Chinese smart ring supply chains and too much time during lockdown. Total madness.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 The real tragedy is that somewhere, a cancer researcher's grant proposal is gathering dust while mannequin buttocks receive better equipment funding than most graduate students.

Dina Brooks

//church shade// //side-eye// //plain talk// //exasperated// //mmm-hmm//

▶️ Listen to Dina's Micro Bio

Mmm-hmm. So we're doing THIS now. Dr. Brantley Hall at the University of Maryland has convinced four thousand Americans to wear flatulence trackers for five years. FIVE YEARS, people. Meanwhile, Black maternal mortality rates remain unstudied, under-researched, and underfunded. But hydrogen sensors strapped to folks' nethers? That's not exactly...optimal resource allocation. And can we discuss the methodology? They're using mannequin buttocks attached to gas canisters to calibrate these devices.

MANNEQUINS. BUTTOCKS. Somewhere, Harriet Tubman is shaking her head saying "I risked my LIFE so y'all could fund fake behinds?" The academy has funding for artificial derrieres and fart forensics, but critical race theory is too controversial for classrooms. Lord, the priorities are showing, and my side-eye has never been more justified. I'm documenting this. For the receipts folder labeled "Scientific Priorities That Make Me Question Everything." Child.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Dina created a receipts folder specifically for fart science, which suggests her filing system has achieved a level of categorical specificity that even the Dewey Decimal System fears.

Thurston Gains

//calm evil// //deductible denier// //greed is good// //land shark//

▶️ Listen to Thurston's Micro Bio

Let the record reflect my deep appreciation for this University of Maryland initiative. Finally, empirical data we can use to deny digestive disorder claims with mathematical precision. When someone submits for irritable bowel syndrome treatment, we can now cross-reference their self-reported symptoms against the Human Flatus Atlas database. The individual who achieved 175 documented episodes in a single day? Clear evidence of pre-existing condition. No coverage.

I'm particularly enthused about the top 3% cohort receiving plaques for "Prodigious Hydrogen Production." OmniBenevolent can flag these individuals during underwriting as actuarially hazardous--excessive methane output correlates with future gastrointestinal claims. At scale, we're talking seventeen million in denied colorectal procedures annually. Brantley Hall and his Ventoscity startup have inadvertently created the finest risk-assessment tool since the polygraph. I've already authorized our data acquisition team to purchase their eventual IPO. Your flatulence: Pre-existing. Your claim: Denied.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Thurston just proposed buying stock in a company whose entire business model depends on people voluntarily strapping fart detectors to their underwear for half a decade, which somehow makes more sense than our current healthcare system.

Wade Truett

//working man's math// //redneck philosopher// //blue-collar truth//

▶️ Listen to Wade's Micro Bio

Now, I ain't no scientist--hell, I'm just a guy with a tape measure and a bad back--but I been working job sites for thirty years and never once did I think "you know what this country needs? A crotch computer to count farts." You got Brantley Hall up at University of Maryland who farted on a hydrogen sensor at home and thought "well shoot, this right here is what I was put on this earth to do." That's like me dropping a hammer on my toe and deciding to start a pain research institute.

And now they got 800 folks wearing these prototype sensors, walking around with batteries strapped to their backsides like they're remote-starting their own butts. You know what we call that on a job site? A waste of time, materials, and perfectly good lithium batteries. Meanwhile, I gotta fill out seventeen forms just to replace a water heater, but these folks can mail fart detectors across state lines no questions asked. Measure twice, cut once.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Wade just compared a researcher's accidental discovery of a legitimate medical monitoring device to dropping a hammer on his toe, which explains why his innovation portfolio consists entirely of different ways to open beer bottles.

Bex Nullman

//web developer// //20-something// //doom coder// //lowercase//

▶️ Listen to Bex's Micro Bio

okay so we convinced four thousand people to strap fart sensors to their underwear for five straight years and we're all just sitting here nodding like this is a normal thing humans decided to do with their time on earth. not a dystopian tech nightmare. science. some researcher literally farted on lab equipment and was like this is my calling, this is my magnum opus right here, and now we have the human flatus atlas which sounds like a fake thing i would make up when i'm three edibles deep.

the guy who passed gas 175 times in a single day during the earlier study? that's our record holder. our champion. meanwhile i can't afford dental insurance but sure let's crowdsource butt data for half a decade. the methane sensors that could've detected gas leaks in infrastructure? nah, fart tracker. cool cool cool. humanity peaked when we had landlines and no one could find us. i'm so tired.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 She's outraged about scientific priorities while voluntarily wearing an Apple Watch that literally does the same thing to every other bodily function.

Sidney Stein

//rule enforcer// //social contracts// //deli-line logic// //excuse me!//

▶️ Listen to Sidney's Micro Bio

Hold on, hold on--I need a minute with this one. This guy Brantley Hall is at home in September 2020, and he FARTS on a commercial hydrogen sensor. A COMMERCIAL hydrogen sensor! Do you know what that costs? That's like fourty thousand dollars of lab equipment! And instead of thinking: "Maybe I shouldn't have done that," he looks at the readout and goes "That's it. That's my calling. I'm doing this forever."

And now there's eight hundred people--EIGHT HUNDRED--getting little sensors mailed to their front doors so a team of academics can sit there and professionally analyze their farts. This is the Human Flatus Atlas study. AN ATLAS! Like we're mapping continents here! You know what we had in Local 3? Bathroom breaks. You took your break, you came back, nobody needed a sensor. We didn't need the University of Maryland tracking our movements. We lived in a society!

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Sidney just compared a researcher's accidental scientific breakthrough to a union bathroom break, which explains why Local 3 never discovered penicillin.

Dr. Mei Lin Santos

//cortisol spiker// //logic flatlined// //diagnosis drama queen//

▶️ Listen to Mei Lin's Micro Bio

Let's triage this. As an ER physician--and I want to be very clear that I'm speaking generally here--this is exactly the kind of preventative medicine we need. Brantley Hall at University of Maryland didn't just accidentally invent this by farting on a sensor at home. He identified a diagnostic gap. A glaring one. We have no baseline data for normal flatus patterns. None.

How am I supposed to diagnose SIBO or lactose intolerance or IBS when I don't know what healthy looks like? The Human Flatus Atlas study is sending eight hundred prototype sensors to participants, and my pulse is already elevated thinking about the statistical power. This isn't silly. This is epidemiology. We need control groups. We need longitudinal data. I've already Purelled my hands twice writing this. Four thousand volunteers means robust sample size. Finally, evidence-based gastroenterology. I need to lie down. Stat.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Nothing says "speaking generally" like a physician who knows the exact number of prototype sensors, volunteers, and times she Purelled her hands during a single rant about flatulence epidemiology.

Veronica Thorne

//ivy league snob// //status flex// //trust fund tyrant// //out-of-touch oligarch//

▶️ Listen to Veronica's Micro Bio

Oh, this is absolutely EXQUISITE. University of Maryland researchers - not even Ivy League, darling, but we'll allow it - have convinced four thousand Americans to wear what amounts to a smart ring for their rectums. The principal researcher, some gentleman named Brantley Hall, literally farted on expensive laboratory equipment at home and thought "yes, this is important to track." I'm obsessed.

Naturally they're calibrating these devices on mannequin posteriors rigged to pressurized gas canisters like some cursed Birkin assembly line in a Black Mirror episode. The truly tragic part? These people are wearing crotch computers for FIVE YEARS. Darling, I can't commit to a colorist for five months. Though I suppose if one must participate in a medical study, at least it's not the subway. I'll have the foundation send them a check for better research opportunities. Perhaps something involving skincare. This is embarrassing for science.

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Veronica's foundation exclusively funds galas where the only gas released is from champagne bottles, yet here she is expertise-signaling about rectal wearables.

Coach Ned

//toxic optimist// //gaslighting guru// //character development//

▶️ Listen to Coach Ned's Micro Bio

You know what I always say--THE CREAM RISES TO THE TOP! And that's EXACTLY what we're seeing with this Top 3% PRODIGIOUS HYDROGEN PRODUCER plaque! FINALLY, we're RECOGNIZING EXCELLENCE where excellence EXISTS! Some guy passed gas ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE TIMES in a SINGLE DAY--that's not a PROBLEM, that's a PERSONAL BEST! That's ELITE PERFORMANCE! You think MICHAEL JORDAN stopped at twenty? NO!

He went for SIXTY! In my locker room, we don't SHAME our high performers--we give them PLAQUES and we SEQUENCE THEIR GUT MICROBIOMES! That's called POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT! That's called BUILDING A WINNING CULTURE! All these NEGATIVE NANCYS talking about "embarrassing bodily functions"--NO! We're talking about MEASURABLE OUTPUTS! We're talking about DATA-DRIVEN EXCELLENCE! And these TOP PERFORMERS are STILL BRINGING THE THUNDER! That's how you win championships!

Blake's Roast: 🔥 Apparently in Coach Ned's meritocracy, the podium finish goes to whoever can produce the most methane, which tracks for someone whose entire philosophical framework is 'try harder and yell louder. And feels like the kind of motivational reach explaining why he's still coaching junior college.