Source: PBS
- The Rollback: President Trump has officially weakened federal fuel efficiency standards, dropping the 2031 requirement from 50.4 miles per gallon down to 34.5 mpg, effectively gutting the Biden-era push for electric vehicles.
- The Rationale: Trump labeled the previous EV mandates a "Green New Scam," claiming this reversal will save consumers $1,000 on the purchase price of a new car and $109 billion in compliance costs over five years.
- The Contradiction: While the administration touts upfront savings, experts warn that drivers will likely pay more in the long run due to higher gasoline consumption, and existing tariffs on steel and car parts are already driving vehicle prices above $50,000.
- The Industry Response: Auto executives publicly praised the "common sense" flexibility, but privately fear that the regulatory whiplash and conflicting global standards will leave American manufacturers unable to compete in a world that is still moving toward EVs.
Morty Gold
//consummate curmudgeon// //cardigan rage// //petty grievances// //get off my lawn// //ex-new yorker//
▶️ Listen to Morty's Micro Bio"THIRTY-FOUR MILES PER GALLON?! Are you KIDDING me?! My 1998 Honda Civic got thirty-four miles per gallon! We are moving BACKWARDS! This is like replacing the iPhone with two soup cans and a string and calling it 'innovation'!
You want to save money?! Here’s a math lesson from the SEVENTIES: Gas costs MONEY! Burning MORE of it costs MORE MONEY! It is basic arithmetic! But NO! We have to pretend it’s 1955 because lithium batteries are 'woke' now?! UNBELIEVABLE! I’m going to bed!"
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"It is quaint that Morty thinks screeching about soup cans and 1990s sedans constitutes a valid economic critique, but I suppose nuance is terrifying to the simple-minded. Please, someone fetch him a sedative before his histrionics distract the adults from discussing the actual regulatory implications."
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Sheila Sharpe
//smiling assassin// //gender hypocrisy// //glass ceiling//
▶️ Listen to Sheila's Micro Bio"Oh, fantastic! Just brilliant strategy! I absolutely love watching Mary Barra and the Ford boys pretend they’re happy about this. You can see the terror behind their eyes, can’t you? It’s delicious. They spent billions retooling factories for EVs because the government said 'Go Electric,' and now the government is saying, 'Psych!
Just kidding! Go back to combustion!' And they have to smile and say, 'Thank you, sir, may I have another?' It’s abusive relationship dynamics applied to macroeconomics. Good luck selling those gas guzzlers to Europe, boys. I’m sure they’ll love the retro vibes."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Sheila’s fixation on the 'terror' of executives is a quaint attempt to inject emotional narrative into what is purely a capital allocation issue. It must be comforting to view the cold mechanics of industry through such a melodramatic lens, rather than doing the hard work of understanding the math."
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Frankie Truce
//smug contrarian// //performative outrage// //whisky walrus// //cynic//
▶️ Listen to Frankie's Micro Bio"Can we be honest? This isn't about 'freedom' or 'saving money.' It’s about the fact that change is annoying. The auto industry doesn't want to innovate; they want to sell you the same F-150 they’ve been building since the Reagan administration because the profit margins are fat.
And you? You don't want to learn how to use a charging station. So we’re all agreeing to a suicide pact of mediocrity. We’re going to drive inefficient tanks until the ocean swallows Florida, just so we don't have to download a new app. Grow up."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Frankie acts like he’s splitting the atom just because he figured out that car companies like making money. It’s cute he thinks being cynical is the same thing as being smart, but he’s really just stating the obvious with a lot of unearned attitude."
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Nigel Sterling
//prince of paperwork// //pivot table perv// //beautiful idiots// //fine print// //spreadsheet stooge// //right then//
▶️ Listen to Nigel's Micro Bio"Right, so—technically speaking—the math here is fascinatingly deranged. The administration claims you’ll save $1,000 on the purchase price. Brilliant! But wait—vis-à-vis the lowered MPG, you’ll be burning significantly MORE fuel over the life of the vehicle. It’s a loan shark scheme disguised as policy!
'Here’s a grand up front, mate, now just pay me back triple at the pump for the next decade.' It’s negative amortization on a depreciating asset! And the 'savings' calculation ignores climate damages entirely? That’s like balancing your checkbook by simply choosing not to record your mortgage payments. Absurd."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Nigel acts like he’s cracked the Enigma code just because he knows how subtraction works. We all get it, Nigel—gas costs money—so please spare us the boring lecture on 'amortization' and just say it’s a rip-off like a normal human being."
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Dina Brooks
//church shade// //side-eye// //plain talk// //exasperated// //mmm-hmm//
▶️ Listen to Dina's Micro Bio"Mmm-hmm. So let me get this straight. The plan is to make the cars dirty again? That’s the innovation? Child, please. I remember the smog in the 90s. I remember coughing. And now we’re framing 'pollution' as a discount? The AUDACITY.
You’re telling me I should be grateful for a car that poisons my neighborhood faster just so I can save a few pennies that the tariffs already stole? I see you. You think we’re stupid. You think we can’t do the math between the sticker price and the gas pump. Disrespectful."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Only an HR director would look at a global manufacturing issue and decide the real problem is the government is being 'disrespectful.' This is an economic policy, Dina, not a workplace grievance form that needs your signature."
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Thurston Gains
//calm evil// //deductible denier// //greed is good// //land shark//
▶️ Listen to Thurston's Micro Bio"(swirls drink) Finally, a return to fiscal sanity. Why should my shareholders subsidize the air quality of the proletariat? Actuarially speaking, cleaner air is a terrible business model—nobody makes money on healthy lungs. But selling gasoline? That’s an annuity that never expires.
And if people get sick from the fumes? Well, I own stock in the hospital networks too. It’s vertical integration, old sport. Denying climate change is simply a fiduciary duty. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to fuel up the yacht. It gets three gallons to the mile, as God intended."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Thurston, you are the only parasite in existence who looks at emphysema and sees a 'growth sector.' I’d tell you to go choke on your own exhaust, but you’d probably try to deduct the fumes as a business expense."
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Wade Truett
//working man's math// //redneck philosopher// //blue-collar truth//
▶️ Listen to Wade's Micro Bio"Let me tell you something. I drive a truck. I need a truck. But I ain't stupid. If you tell me I can buy a truck that goes 50 miles on a gallon, or one that goes 30... I’m taking the 50. I don't care if it runs on squirrel power or AA batteries.
Gas is expensive! You ever fill up a 26-gallon tank at four bucks a gallon? It hurts! Telling me I’m 'free' to spend more money at the pump don't feel like freedom to me. It feels like I’m being played. That’s all I got to say."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Wade, stop making sense—you’re confusing the people who think emptying their bank account at a pump is an act of patriotism. Although, if you do figure out that 'squirrel power' engine, please call me; I want to see how many rodents it takes to tow a cement mixer."
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Bex Nullman
//web developer// //20-something// //doom coder// //lowercase//
▶️ Listen to Bex's Micro Bio"okay so we’re canceling the future. cool. love that for us. it’s giving villain origin story but without the cool outfits. i was already assuming i’d never own a house, but now i guess i won’t own breathable air either? slay.
honestly just put lead back in the paint while you’re at it. let’s go full retro. i’m gonna go disassociate in an uber that gets 12 miles to the gallon. we are so cooked lmao."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Bex, describing environmental collapse as a 'villain origin story' is so terminally online that I think I need to disassociate now. Please put down the phone and go touch grass—assuming the smog hasn't already withered it all away."
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Sidney Stein
▶️ Listen to Sidney's Micro Bio"You can’t just CHANGE the rules! The companies spent BILLIONS based on the OLD rules! That’s a BREACH OF CONTRACT with reality! If I hire a contractor to build a kitchen, and halfway through I say, 'Actually, I want a bathroom,' he sues me!
And he wins! You have these executives planning for 2030, and you pull the rug out? It’s disorderly! It’s chaos! We’re living in a society, not a game of Simon Says! Pick a standard and STICK TO IT!"
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Sidney, you’re the only person who thinks saving the planet is rude because the polluters already made a schedule. Just because the arsonist bought his gasoline in advance doesn't mean we have to let him burn the house down out of respect for his logistical planning."
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Dr. Mei Lin Santos
//cortisol spiker// //logic flatlined// //diagnosis drama queen//
▶️ Listen to Mei Lin's Micro Bio"Okay—deep breath. Technically... technically I can treat asthma. I can treat COPD. But I cannot treat an entire ATMOSPHERE. Do you understand what lowering MPG standards does to particulate matter density?
We are talking about a statistical explosion in respiratory distress cases. It’s not just 'gas costs,' it’s 'lung costs!' We are consciously choosing to increase the disease burden on the healthcare system to save... what? A thousand dollars? That’s not even an MRI co-pay! This is policy-induced morbidity. I need to lie down."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Mei Lin, please write yourself a prescription for a sedative before you try to intubate a Toyota Camry. You’re hyperventilating so much about 'particulate matter' that you’re becoming a respiratory hazard yourself."
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Omar Khan
//innocent observer// //confused globalist// //pop culture hook// //bruh//
▶️ Listen to Omar's Micro Bio"Yo, check this out. The rest of the world—China, Europe—they are sprinting toward EVs. They are building the iPhone. And America is standing there proudly holding a rotary phone screaming 'THIS IS BETTER!'
Bro. You’re not saving the industry; you’re turning Detroit into a museum. In ten years, nobody outside the US is gonna want these cars. You’re building Blockbusters in a Netflix world. It’s actually tragic, man. No lie."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Omar, stop bringing your depressingly accurate 'global perspective' into this; we prefer to lose the economic race with our eyes closed and the radio loud. Calling us 'Blockbuster' is low, man—at least Blockbuster had the decency to die before it melted the ice caps."
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Veronica Thorne
//ivy league snob// //status flex// //trust fund tyrant// //out-of-touch oligarch//
▶️ Listen to Veronica's Micro Bio"Oh, darling, this is embarrassing. Fighting over gas prices? How... pedestrian. I haven’t looked at a gas pump price in twenty years. That’s what assistants are for. But really, making cars louder and smellier?
It’s so tacky. Pollution is for poor people. I suppose if you can’t afford a private jet, you might as well drive something that destroys the planet just as fast. Fix it. My view is getting hazy."
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Veronica, I hate to break it to you, but you can’t bribe the smog to loiter exclusively in the poor neighborhoods. If you're annoyed that the apocalypse is ruining your view, just wait until you realize you can’t fire the ozone layer for bad service."
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Coach Ned
//toxic optimist// //gaslighting guru// //character development//
▶️ Listen to Coach Ned's Micro Bio"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! HUDDLE UP! (blows whistle) WE ARE PIVOTING! The playbook has CHANGED! We were running the spread offense with EVs, now we are going GROUND AND POUND with GASOLINE! Pain is weakness leaving the exhaust pipe!
If the air quality gets worse, that just means your lungs have to WORK HARDER! It’s cardio for your respiratory system! CHAMPIONS love high gas prices because it motivates them to EARN MORE! BOOM! Let’s get out there and BURN SOME DINOSAURS!"
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Blake's Roast: 🔥
"Ned, treating smog inhalation as 'respiratory cardio' is exactly why you aren't allowed near a whistle anymore. Go take a lap until you realize that lung failure isn't 'weakness leaving the body'—it’s just the life leaving the body."
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🏆
Blake Trapper: "The coveted blowhole winner of today's hot take lighting round is Frankie for diagnosing America's problem as terminal laziness and a refusal to learn new technology. Basically, we're choosing extinction over reading instructions."
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Frankie Truce: Look, people are capable of adapting. We switched from horses to cars; we can switch from gas to electric if the infrastructure actually works. We aren't stupid, just tired. Okay, that's enough optimism. You're all still sheep.
